Lately, I've become obsessed with River Monsters, a wildlife series starring expert fisherman Jeremy Wade that airs primarily on Animal Planet and one of the many ITV channels if you're poor and live in Great Britain. The basic premise of the show involves Jeremy Wade travelling all over the world to hunt down a number of elusive river monsters, that is fish who have been responsible for killing humans or causing grievous bodily harm. The show is so good, that I've devised a drinking game out of it, which I thought I'd share with you here on the ass end of the internet, which is my blog.
Please be warned, like the process of hunting river monsters, this game is for adults (though admittedly not actual responsible adults). I would also like this to open to any further amendments also. If you've got a good one message me, twitter me, or send it by carrier pigeon or whatever.
BECOME THE RIVER MONSTER
“Jeremy Wade’s River Monster Drinking Game Challenge”
“This is exactly not what I had in mind when I started
my career in fishing or indeed broadcasting. I do not want my name attached to
this sordid project. You people make me sick.”
Jeremy Wade, 22nd March 2013
1.ONE FINGER
Every time danger or death is mentioned and/or you see the fear in Jeremy
Wade’s eyes.
2.ONE FINGER
Every time he says monster when he could just be saying ‘fish’, ‘large
squallice’ or ‘rare river dwelling creature’.
3.ONE FINGER
Whenever Jeremy Wade’s fishing techniques can easily be read as sexual euphemisms,
for instance ‘lure him in with my tasty tackle’, ‘going down on this monster’,
‘for this I’ll use my large heavy duty rod’. Single for heterosexual reference
or general glorification of Jeremy Wade’s penis TWO
FINGERS for homosexual reference. Last person to get the reference must
down THREE FINGERS. And FOUR
FINGERS if somebody embarrassingly points out a euphemism too hastily and
it obviously makes no sense. This will be debated by participating agents until
a judgment is finalised and the measure is consumed USING NO HANDS (though it is perfectly acceptable NAY ENCOURAGED to stick them out like fins for balance).
4.ONE FINGER
Every time he meets the locals for harrowing eyewitness accounts. TWO FINGERS if said local has lost a limb to the
creature. Everyone, must switch drinking
hand for the rest of the game! If they drink from their good hand there
will be a most horrific forfeit as determined by the gathered party/party
master.
5.ONE FINGER
Every time folklore is mentioned or illustrated by some lovely old time
illustrations.
6.ONE FINGER
Every time Jeremy Wade gazes dramatically into the sunset or assumes a
gratuitous hero pose.
7.ONE FINGER
Every time a flashy dramatic reenactment occurs (the same one they will use
throughout the entire show), flash of teeth and someone screaming in the water.
8.ONE FINGER
Every time he catches a river
monster, but not the river monster. TWO FINGERS when the river monster has taken a bite
out of the very fish JW is catching.
9.ONE FINGER
Every time he hauls in yet another catfish.
Everybody shouts “Dogs rule”
10.TWO FINGERS
Every time it’s a shark - everybody
sings the Jaws theme
11.THREE FINGERS
Every time it’s an alligator/crocodile or reptile. Everybody shouts ‘CRIKEY’ in an Australian accent. A moment of silence for the late great crocodile
hunter until the next drink.
12.FOUR FINGERS
if it is something even rarer or freakish than that. Everybody shouts ‘What the fuuuu’ (fuuu must exceed a pitch of middle
C for both girls and boys)
13.ONE FINGER
Anytime the sea is mentioned but quickly shyed away from because Jeremy Wade
doesn’t do sea monsters. Every body shouts river
monsters, mutha f**ka like that dance anthem Riverside. Please see the video below if you are not familiar with this particular piece of 'music':
14.The
one who has consumed the most by the end of the show, must stand up and loudly
declare him/herself as the river monster – “I
am the River Monster! Fear my wrath”. They must then do a flappy fish dance
whilst making the noise of the river monster. Obviously, fish do not really
make noises but it’s open to the awful drunk’s interpretation at this point,
for the amusement of the losers or winners depending on how you reflect on
prior events or indeed life in general. Then, JW himself comes in, picks you up
in his strong arms and has a picture taken with you. Alternatively you can just
be lying on the floor passed out and he will pose around you before releasing you into the wild once again.
At last! Games are finally breaking free of the shackles of a predominantly adolescent audience drunk with male power fantasies. At last! we are seeing an end to the diminishing of the medium. At last! We... Oh don't use this picture as an example. He's a demon hunter, born half demon, half heaven and he's a bit of a ladies man... Come back! Games are to be enjoyed by EVERYONE!!!
Yeah... See ya... Not to be confused with the original game,
or a prolific 80s hip hop outfit that may have had a runaway hit with mid
atlantic piss merchants Aerosmith, Devil May Cry or DmC, (as it would prefer
you to call it[1]) is
the latest ‘bold’ reboot/reimagining of another franchise that ran its course and
become stuck in the rocks of familiarity, laziness and overall lack of inspiration. It was of course whilst trying to reboot Capcom’s
other big franchise, Resident Evil, that legendary game designer Shinji Mikami
created the format which would eventually become Devil May Cry, which would go
on to rewrite the action adventure monster twatting genre with its slick combo
based air juggling combat, literally paving the way for God of War, and most of
the exports from Platinum Games including Bayonetta. Publisher's Capcom have tasked Western Developers Ninja Theory with kickstarting the franchise once again. A somewhat controversial move (again for the die hard fans), which once again shifted development of a fabled franchise from East to West. Call it whatever, (so long as you don’t chalk it up to the decline of Japanese game development you pitiful racists…) DmC is being transitioned for a Western audience and is developed where the water is warmer, the air sweeter and the general gaming population more susceptible to infantile crass and lashing of the ole ultra violence...
Ninja Theory are of course responsible for 2007s PS3 exclusive Heavenly
Sword (Hey, watch out link coming through!) and 2010s Enslaved: Odyssey to the West (Boosh!). I’ve written sparsely about these games in
the past, and whilst they weren’t always perfect, Ninja Theory always displayed
a degree of commitment to characterization, story and artistic design that
always made them memorable experiences despite the gaps in mechanics and... OH LAWD those awful six axis controlled crossbow sections with the cat lady from Heavenly Sword. Both of Ninja
Theory’s previous exports enlisted the help of Andy Serkis, who unfortunately
is nowhere to be seen in DmC, presumably because he’s too busy with the Hobbit
and setting up his own motion capture studio. Enslaved writer Alex Garland returns
as a story supervisor. Whatever that means, so I guess you can expect a decent
video game narrative for once... right?
Well not really… Well, it’s okay… Well… well…
You play Dante, who has undergone a radical
redesign since you last saw him. And by radical redesign, I really mean that
his hair is now black when it used to be white and he’s a bit skinnier and
scrawnier. In the preceding hype train that heralded the game’s coming, this
‘bold reinterpretation’ was supposedly kind of a big deal[2]
for the fans of the original games. Dante you remember resembled the
frontman of some kind of J-pop metal band.[3]
Old Dante vs New Dante - A characterisation and representation of two separate cultures. DISCUSS
Now Dante looks like Sid Vicious, wearing
skinny jeans, low slung v-neck and a jacket that bears the Union Jack on it,
for no other reason other than to complete the image of a 70s punk street
urchin. He also says ‘fuck’ a whole lot and has sex with strippers and walks
around in the buff not caring who sees his junk in the process. He also lives
in a trailer and is a nephilem, born of an angel mother, and demon father. And as a result is a dab hand at monster twatting. BRILLIANT!
As a general layabout, the game
surprisingly doesn’t have any origin moments that one would have expected from
a ‘bold reboot’. There is no moment where Dante realizes he possesses the power
to fight demons, there is no story behind how he got the sword or the twin
pistols. From the get go, Dante is a troublemaker who just so happens fights
demons, and can’t remember exactly what happened in his childhood, save the
fact that it was highly traumatic. The storyline involves Dante encountering his long lost brother Vergil (remember him from Devil May Cry 3?) who enlists him into the fight against the demons and the acceptance of actual stone cold responsibility!
The game is set in Limbo city, perhaps the
worst/derivative name for a video game city imaginable. In addition, most of
the game is actually set in limbo, a shadowy parallel world that exists behind
the normal world, inhabited by demons who secretly pull the strings that
manipulate the real world. This gives rise to a couple of interesting story
beats, the big bad (actually a demon) is a corporate suit who controls the
world through DEBT. They are able to control the masses through a FEAR
MONGERING MASSMEDIA OUTLET and ENERGY DRINKS whose secret ingredient may or may
not be a succubus’s anal discharge.[4]
One level has you fight through a night club inhabited by WHITE RICH PEOPLE OF
THE JERSEY SHORE. And that’s pretty much the whole game I’ve ruined for you,
but hey it’s not the destination, it’s the journey maaann.
In between fighting, there is platforming through lucid landscapes.
Back to the name limbo city, the fact that
they would even call it Limbo city in the first place seems problematic. It’s
as if to show that the normal world and it’s mortal inhabitants are actually more aware
of the purgatorial realm of the demons than the story lets on. Dante and his gang are painted as terrorists but existing as street wise freedom fighters, like in the classic movie Hackers.
I kept imagining a mild mannered BBC One
show documentary tracing back the origins of Limbo City. An over exuberant correspondent asking the regular
inhabitants on the street their thoughts:
“Limbo City is named after a Mr James
Limbo, and yes he did create the pseudo dance sport craze of limboing. You
might say it is our most famous export. Check out the annual limbo championship! It's such good thing. What's that? I don’t know anything about any demons,
my good man. What on earth have you
been smoking?”
“Why’s it call limbo city? I don’t know. You
would think that name would almost certainly give off some pretty negative
vibes, the feng shui is fucked here as a result. Basically, nothing possibly
good can come from a city called limbo city. I would certainly not like to raise a family in a place called Limbo City.”
“Oh yeah, Limbo City, it’s named after,
this purgatorial realm from which demons dwell and control us all. It can only
be accessed by a handful of people, but it’s probably really dangerous. But
there you go. The housing prices are cheap! So… that’s always a bonus.
Especially in these troubled economic times.”
Cut to the studio, where Alex Jones and
Matt Baker ask special guest Patrick Stewart what he makes of it all, to which
he launches into some highly amusing anecdote relating to Yorkshire or
something… All the while you’re
thinking. It’s Patrick Stewart! He’s a legend!
Could use screenshots, but the concept art is way better.
BACK ON POINT!
Regardless of the inherent stupidity of
limbo city and the duel dimension of limbo, it actually makes for some interesting
level design. When the game isn’t cornering you in big circular arenas centred
by a grand ornate fountain, it’s pushing you through city streets that become
distorted by otherworldly forces, separating the combat with some zippy
platform sequences. Everywhere you go is essentially lucid derivations of the
old familiar video game settings of dingy warehouses and gothic streets, it’s
perhaps not the most original setting, Darksiders did a similar thing with a more
comic book colour palette, but for the purposes of the game, it works pretty
well. One gleefully put together level has you negotiate through a mirror
version of the city that exists within a river. Where everything is underwater
and upside down. Ninja Theory have always been ones to create a good vista, and
DmC is delightfully no different.
GOOD ON YOU NINJAS! AND YOUR MAD THEORIES!
The other great thing about DmC is that it
is a superlative monster twatting game, just like its predecessor. This was one
of the biggest concerns when Ninja Theory picked up the intellectual property.
Heavenly Sword and Enslaved had combat, but it wasn’t necessarily spell
binding, more functional and just… well? there.
How could they possibly maintain the kinetic power of Devil May Cry? With
accessive ease actually. DmC reinstates the power of the ludicrous combos, with
fluid animations and a wholesome array of monster twatting devices. Your
swords, your guns and your additional demon/angel weapons, that allow you to
pull yourself towards enemies or pull them towards you for the coup de grat. Each
fight ends with the finishing blow shown from a suitably epic slo mo action
angle, followed by a brief cutscene in which Dante composes himself as if
saying “who’s next”, it’s a nice little touch, transitioning effectively
between fight scenes and general level progression.
I don't know what the hell this thing is... But I'm killing it. Because that's what I do.
The only downside is that the enemies are a
little derivative in design, to the point that I can’t quite remember what they
looked like. You have the bog standard foot soldiers that are easily disposed
off, like fighting piñatas dispensing red experience points like candy. You
have the trickier bad guys with chainsaws, the bastards armed with shields in
need of breaking with strong attacks before you cut them up nice and proper, the big fat dude who charges at you… the
annoying double bladed ninja who succeeds in evading most of your attacks, and
of course the big dude with razor blades for hands whose big glowy ball at his
centre eloquently signposts his WEAK POINT.
The combat does begin to drag, when the
game thows at you colour coded enemies that are susceptible to attacks from a
specific weapon (blue means use angel weapons against them, red means demon).
This does much to restrict the way combat plays out. Most critics have said
that the combat is at its best with as little limitations as possible. And they
would all be right. The DmC combat is at it’s best when you keep adding attacks
to a combo that is rampantly spiralling out of control to dizzying heights. All fights are graded,
and you will need to bring you’re a-game if you want to get the highest rank of
SSS. You start thinking, zipline to this enemy, smack him about a bit, launch
him into the air, ascend into the air with a twin pistol flourish, use demon
arms to soften him up abit until he explodes in red experience points. Zipline
to the next one… and so on and so on. You feel like Robert Downey Jr in Sherlock Holmes. Discombobulate indeed...The longer the combos get, the greater
the risk of fail and the more thrilling the game becomes as a result.
There are many levels of difficulties to
DmC, you will have to complete the game several times to get the hardest
setting. The levels themselves whilst designed and paced to tell a narrative
are also designed to be replayed. You will need to go back to unlock all the
secret areas once you have gained the relevant powers. Obviously, the combat is so satisfying, it’s easy to get sucked back in for
a second sitting. A practice that really doesn’t happen too much nowadays.
Then you have the boss battles. None of
these fights are necessarily hard per se. They are more controlled by the
game’s cinematic presentation, and as a result are heavily choreographed to
dispense moments of epicness. A lot of fights involve buttering up the enemy
before targeting a weak point with your angel/demon weapons. Usually the
context surrounding the fight is more interesting. In one level, you will fight
the Glen Beck style TV personality at the head of the Raptor News Network (Fox
if it wasn’t clear enough). It is one of those levels that takes place inside a
computer, so you are basically fighting a big head, like in the end of
Tron. Another boss fight at the end of the decadent nightclub level has you fight a gigantic demonic foetus that I read with my highly advanced uber brain as a statement of the shallow and fruitless exchanges of passion that are indicative of a binge drinking culture brought up on shit pop music and unrealistic dreams that go a bit like this:
"perhaps, tonight will be the night, perhaps tonight I will meet the one. The one that will complete me, the one I shall settle down and live happily ever after. There has to be somebody out there for me, somebody who will love and cherish me, if only for the night..."
Yeah! take that world! Whilst your out on a Friday night, I'm here playing DmC, getting off on metaphors most truthful!
Kick the baby.
BACK ON POINT
DmC is a champion of fluid combat and
stellar level and artistic design. Apparently, the game is not selling as well
as could be expected, or perhaps in line with projections considering the infantile
fan feedback that didn’t even give the game a chance in the first place. At
this current moment DmC has reported to have sold not even a third of what Devil May Cry 4 made on it's release. That is staggering, if you remember DMC4 recycled levels and boss fights like nobody’s business. It
is a great shame, because Ninja Theory seem well used to releasing games to a
lukewarm commercial reception. It’s a shame because in this economy, with
development houses being shut down and swept under the carpet based solely on one disappointing release, you hope that this studio will pull through. It’s a shame because, with so much discussion about the
maturity and themes of mainstream gaming, one of the few studios who do
actually appreciate story, vision and characterization are not getting a look in. DmC is not a
disappointing game, it may be juevenille in some places and certainly not
without it’s flaws mechanically, but it’s Ninja Theory’s most solid release yet
and there are simply too many ‘moments’ that demand to be played.
As a series, Devil May Cry is most famous for this absolute clanger of dialogue.
[1] (it is one whole syllable shorter than the original name so keep
things nice and short in the interest of time, and hey thanks for taking the
time to read this footnote. Footnotes are cool.
[2] But meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
[3] I say ‘metal’, in so far as the accompanying band have spiky Ibanez
guitars. But their metalness and indeed rawkness is offset nearly completely by
their lazy lyrics penned by a boardroom desperately seeking to appeal to the
Western market, without understanding the complexities inherent of the English
language. Hence chorus lyrics “Hey wow, baby, I should have filled your dark
soul with light.”
[4] It totally is by the way. It’s
basically a rip off of that Futurama episode, when they visit the Slurm
factory.
Friday, 10 August 2012
Rental Review Roundup
"Hi..." As the Joker awkwardly said to Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight... Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve done
one of these. In fact it has been quite a long time since I wrote anything for
this blog… But I want to get back into it because I’ve played a number of games
over the last year, some good, some bad, but ones I feel obliged to talk about gods darn it!!!
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
Vampires and werewolves and demons... Oh My!
I never owned a Super Nintendo so I never
had that ‘Castlevania’ phase. More recently, I have played them via emulation on
my phone, out of curiosity more than anything. Unfortunately, I lack the warmth
of childhood nostalgia, when the prospect of side scrolling through Dracula’s
castle fighting off every kind of mythical creature n’ monster ever imagined by
humanity throughout the ages seemed awesome. As I have said in previous posts,
I got into games with the original PlayStation, when games made the jump to 3D and
increasingly aspired to being something more cinematic. Some would argue that
games have lost something since the jump to 3D, not I, but then I wasn’t there.
From what I understand, Castlevania: Lords
of Shadow is not a Castlevania game. At least not in the classical sense. There
is no exploration of Castle Dracule’s labyrinth interiors, unlocking new areas
with the attainment of new powers and items, all leading up to the final
confrontation with Nosferatu himself. Sure is castles and a whole bunch of
monster twatting, but Lords of Shadow is very much an action adventure game in
the God of War tradition than it is a Castlevania game. During the development
the game was known simply as Lords of Shadow before Konami came in slapping the
Castlevania title to it, they’ve been looking to reboot the series for years.
This doesn’t mean the game is a mere
pretender or generic clone however. Like God of War, Lords of Shadow takes the
form of a grand level based quest to rid the world (in this case a traditional
Germanic fantasy version of Europe) of evil. Framing this is a storybook
aesthetic, with Patrick Stewart narrating the story before each level, whilst
Robert Carlyle voices your character Gabriel Belmont with the stupendously long
legs. There is only minor occurrences of retracing your steps through levels to
gain additional bonuses, but they’re not exactly needed unless you’re a
completionist.
The presentation is one of the things I was
most impressed with. Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima is listed as an
influencing credit, and at times the game shares that rich realization of the
metal gear series. It is introduced fairly early on, that this world you
inhabit is getting smaller, with humanity infringing upon the domain of the
magical and monstrous, which adds a bit of weight to the slaughter of the many
monsters you will kill in all manner of dazzling combos and brutal finishers. Unlike
God of War, Lords of Shadow does not dwell in the ultra violence, it is
actually a lot more tasteful with camera’s panning away just before the head is
severed etc. The game has its own kind of energy, that makes it different from
Dante’s Inferno or Wolverine’s Revenge, something that allows for high octane
action as well as moments of awe.
This is a long game full of amazing vistas
and brilliant moments. It could be walking through the snowy mountains towards
a lonely castle, or traversal through ancient spires of a flooded city at
sunset. The game gives you plenty of moments in which you are just left in awe
of your surroundings. It is an element previous God of War games had in between
all the disemboweling and torso shredding, an element missing from the third
game. Whilst the story is fine and well handled by the voice acting talent, it
is the curiosity of where the artistic vision will go next.
Why haven't more games ripped off Shadow of the Colossus?
Lords of Shadow is a looong game too (on
the Xbox360 it comes on two discs). During the campaign you’ll journey through
every landscape imaginable, from forests to dark forests, ruins and castles, ice
worlds and fire worlds. In one act you’ll fight off werewolves, in another vampires, another
demons. There are even monolithic boss fights in which the game becomes
directly inspired by Shadow of the Colossus. There is lots of variation and
content in this game. If there is one criticism, it is that there is almost too
much, which seems strange in a time when most campaigns will last you eight
hours. The sequel to Lords of Shadow was announced at E3, but after this game you
have to wonder whether Konami have left themselves anywhere else to actually go,
apart from space or Tron world.
I would definitely recommend Lords of
Shadow of course. In an ocean of God of War clones, this reboot of Castlevania
excels in providing players with a lengthy quest with more than its fair share
of inventive set piece moments. It may not be Castlevania as you know it, but
it is a decent action adventure.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
Now with two lightsabres.
From one God of War clone to another, Star
Wars: The Force Unleashed II is the sequel to the 2008 original, which has
been, quite bizarrely, one of the few Star Wars titles to come out of Lucasarts
this generation. Remember when Star Wars games were literally everywhere? All
throughout the 90s, you had X-Wing, TIE fighter, Dark Forces, Jedi Knight,
Rogue Squadron, Force Commander, Masters of the Teras Kasi, Episode I: Pod
Racer and then, going on through to the last generation: Battlefront, KOTOR,
Star Fighter, Empire at War, Republic Comando, Super Bonbad Racing… With
exception to the Lego titles, where have the Star Wars games been this
generation?
In some ways it feels as if Lucasarts
pooled all their resources into The Force Unleashed, a game which boasts an
advanced physics engine, in which materials react realistically as they are
manipulated by the force. It even had a story worthy of the original trilogy.
Well, the first game did anyway… The Force Unleashed is an action adventure set
in the Star Wars universe, in which you use overwhelming force powers to smash
stormtroopers, rancors and other inhabitants of Star Wars lore. It does this by
telling an all new story surrounding Darth Vader’s secret apprentice,
Starkiller played by the actor who played Crashdown in Battlestar Galactica.
You already defeated Darth Vader and the
Emperor in the last game, in which you also force pulled a Star Destroyer out
of the sky and crushed chicken walkers into easily stored metallic cubes. Much
of the plot of the second game, indeed, its general existence feels wholly
redundant as a result, like déjà vu with better graphics. After having died in
the last game, with the rebel alliance created by your act of defiant heroism,
The Force Unleashed II has your character cloned by Darth Vader in the hopes
that you will be moulded into doing his bidding once again. It doesn’t quite
work of course, thanks to the prevalence of implanted memories from your former
self who was betrayed by Darth Dickhead at every point throughout the course of
the first game. You break free of his clutches and proceed to rescue your space
girlfriend Juno Eclipse from the clutches of the Empire. During which you try
to grapple with and existential crisis (am I the real Starkiller, am I just a
clone!?), and briefly meet Yoda on Dagobath for no good apparent reason.
Do that thing that happens in games, skydive whilst dodging debris...
Combat generally feels more accessible in
this game. Enemies are less damage sponges as they were in the last game and
require a different line of attack to defeat, some guys will be immune to force
powers, others will be immune to lightsabre attacks. In some ways it is more
effective at empowering the player. The developers know what you’re here for
and throwing a squad of storm troopers off a ledge has never felt so
satisfying, but there is little in the way of difficulty. In some ways it feels
like this division of Lucasarts is providing a platform for jaded Star Wars
fans to vent all of their accumulative angst and frustration over what the
series has become over the decade or so.
If only there was a level in which Starkiller was sent into which
involved the slaughter an army of cloned Jar Jar Binks’s, perhaps mastered by a
bearded flannel shirted overlord named George.
There are only about five levels throughout
this game, but if you do want a bit more, you can pay a paltry 80Gs for the
Endor DLC level. Following on from the tradition of the Sith edition of the
first game, which told an alternative storyline in which you kill Darth Vader
at the end, usurping him as the Emperor’s whipping boy. The first game was
graced with two additional levels effectively serving as an alternative
‘what-if’ scenario, in which you travelled to Tatooine to kill Obi Wan and Hoth
to turn Luke Skywalker over to the Dark side. The Endor level is a similar
retread of the Return of the Jedi, you can punt Ewoks off the ground and cut
through soldiers of the rebel alliance. However, what begins as harmless fun
develops into something truly horrifying in which you kill both Chewbacca and
Han Solo in the grimmest way possible. If you didn’t think Star Wars was dead
as a franchise yet, you will now. Time to move on...
Fable III
In Fable, facial hair is a mark for evilness.
Fable III was the difficult third game for
visionary game designer Peter Molyneux. In gaming, we don’t have the difficult
second title as we do in music or movies, the second game is usually an
improvement that builds on the first game thanks to a more experienced and
confident staff funded by an inflated budget granted by the success of the
first game. Fable II arrived to Xbox360 in 2008 a generational leap from the
Xbox original, it brought with it a more ambitious open world with new systems
invested within, namely the dog in hindsight but damnit I did love that guy,
just like Peter Molyneux said I would.
Fable III comes to the same platform with
nothing new to really offer, save for promotion to King in the second half. Effectively
giving the game’s moral black and white mindset of moulding your hero in
whatever way you see fit added emphasis as you become responsible for not just
for yourself but for all of Albion. A definite logical next step for the
series.
You play as the son of your hero from the
second game. Now, I feel that I have to get this off my chest, during the second
game, despite wanting to create a sexually androgynous corsair type character,
my character ate two pies in a desperate attempt to regain health after
fighting off a band of balverines. As a result of this he became fat thanks to
the game’s internal logic thinking consumption of pies meant fat. He then lost
all of his hair when enslaved on the spire effectively making him into Dara O
Brian. As I was a paragon of virtue for most of the game and indeed all of
these kinds of games, I received a heavenly glow to go with my radiant smile,
spreading happiness and mirth throughout the land with a mere fart, the people
loved me – the fat bald corsair wearing women’s clothing and constantly smiling
like a loon. In many ways, a fairer assumption of my actual real self. Well
played indeed Mr Molyneux.
During the course of the game you will help
out a number of factions to rebel against your pragmatic, but totally evil King
(voiced my Michael Fassbender). In order for them to help you, you must promise
to help them once you become king. It is only after you become king that you
find out that the reason your brother was totally evil was because he was preparing
to defend Albion against a great darkness growing overseas that threatens to
consume Albion and the world in general. Your brother failed to mention this at
any point during is asshole reign….
Regardless, you are now forced to take up
the mantle to defend Albion form the slimy forces of darkness, a bit like Mass Effect 3 then...
(REQUIRES A LONG ESSAY) The promises you made to your factions threaten to
drain the treasury needed to defend Albion. So what do you do? Appease your
subjects or suppress them for the greater good? A lot of people have issue with
the second act of the game, as they made good decisions at the start of the
game and are forced to break promises to fund the treasury in the latter half
of the game. Molyneux seems to be teaching a life lesson, namely you can’t have
it both ways, you can’t be an idealist against a world threatening evil, you
must be pragmatic and enforce unpopular decisions for the greater good. Leading
people is hard. A noble lesson if a little lost in the country bumpkin world of
Albion, where men and women, despite previous sexual orientation, want to marry
me after I display the head of the bandit leader. Still, for someone who aspired for making players feel love in a video game it is quite a cynical outlook...
The wealth of a nation.
In truth, Fable III works when it is just
Fable. When your traversing the world encountering colorful characters voiced
by the cream of British talent (Stephen Fry, Bernard Hill, John Cleese, Simon
Pegg, Michael Fassbender etc). The combat is satisfying if a little too easy to
master, the broad character customizations mean you can run around the world as
a punk rock dandy pirate. You still want to explore the world of Albion, it is
the kind of game in which you feel obliged to read each pithy eulogy written on
every individual tombstone. And the ending is still better than Mass Effect 3…
Hello everyone who matters. First of all, I know... its been ages since I last updated my humble blog here on blogspot. To tell the truth I've been doing a heck of a lot of writing for other establishments as well as all the making of video content I so cherish...
In related news, I have upgraded to Final Cut Pro - the industry standard when it comes to video content. I'm learning the ins and outs, at the moment it seems fairly easy to use. Waaay more efficient than windows movie player or iMovie and I look forward to putting up some more regular original content.
Anyway, as means of an xmas present to my number one YouTube fan - i.e. my mum. I made two videos about our dogs, Darcy and Moby. Life has been tough over the last couple of years, but I can take solace in the fact that I have two new canine companions who have both come into my life and made it better.
The first video I made was of Darcy, who barked non stop for about an hour at a single solitary pidgin perched on our garden fence.
The second is a more general video showing the life of times of Darcy and Moby soundtracked to all kinds of cheesy music. If you are looking for something more art house or you're more of a cat person, these videos are wasted on you...
