Lately, I've become obsessed with River Monsters, a wildlife series starring expert fisherman Jeremy Wade that airs primarily on Animal Planet and one of the many ITV channels if you're poor and live in Great Britain. The basic premise of the show involves Jeremy Wade travelling all over the world to hunt down a number of elusive river monsters, that is fish who have been responsible for killing humans or causing grievous bodily harm. The show is so good, that I've devised a drinking game out of it, which I thought I'd share with you here on the ass end of the internet, which is my blog.
Please be warned, like the process of hunting river monsters, this game is for adults (though admittedly not actual responsible adults). I would also like this to open to any further amendments also. If you've got a good one message me, twitter me, or send it by carrier pigeon or whatever.
BECOME THE RIVER MONSTER
“Jeremy Wade’s River Monster Drinking Game Challenge”
“This is exactly not what I had in mind when I started my career in fishing or indeed broadcasting. I do not want my name attached to this sordid project. You people make me sick.”
Jeremy Wade, 22nd March 2013
1. ONE FINGER Every time danger or death is mentioned and/or you see the fear in Jeremy Wade’s eyes.
2. ONE FINGER Every time he says monster when he could just be saying ‘fish’, ‘large squallice’ or ‘rare river dwelling creature’.
3. ONE FINGER Whenever Jeremy Wade’s fishing techniques can easily be read as sexual euphemisms, for instance ‘lure him in with my tasty tackle’, ‘going down on this monster’, ‘for this I’ll use my large heavy duty rod’. Single for heterosexual reference or general glorification of Jeremy Wade’s penis TWO FINGERS for homosexual reference. Last person to get the reference must down THREE FINGERS. And FOUR FINGERS if somebody embarrassingly points out a euphemism too hastily and it obviously makes no sense. This will be debated by participating agents until a judgment is finalised and the measure is consumed USING NO HANDS (though it is perfectly acceptable NAY ENCOURAGED to stick them out like fins for balance).
4. ONE FINGER Every time he meets the locals for harrowing eyewitness accounts. TWO FINGERS if said local has lost a limb to the creature. Everyone, must switch drinking hand for the rest of the game! If they drink from their good hand there will be a most horrific forfeit as determined by the gathered party/party master.
5. ONE FINGER Every time folklore is mentioned or illustrated by some lovely old time illustrations.
6. ONE FINGER Every time Jeremy Wade gazes dramatically into the sunset or assumes a gratuitous hero pose.
7. ONE FINGER Every time a flashy dramatic reenactment occurs (the same one they will use throughout the entire show), flash of teeth and someone screaming in the water.
8. ONE FINGER Every time he catches a river monster, but not the river monster. TWO FINGERS when the river monster has taken a bite out of the very fish JW is catching.
9. ONE FINGER Every time he hauls in yet another catfish. Everybody shouts “Dogs rule”
10. TWO FINGERS Every time it’s a shark - everybody sings the Jaws theme
11. THREE FINGERS Every time it’s an alligator/crocodile or reptile. Everybody shouts ‘CRIKEY’ in an Australian accent. A moment of silence for the late great crocodile hunter until the next drink.
12. FOUR FINGERS if it is something even rarer or freakish than that. Everybody shouts ‘What the fuuuu’ (fuuu must exceed a pitch of middle C for both girls and boys)
13. ONE FINGER Anytime the sea is mentioned but quickly shyed away from because Jeremy Wade doesn’t do sea monsters. Every body shouts river monsters, mutha f**ka like that dance anthem Riverside. Please see the video below if you are not familiar with this particular piece of 'music':
14. The one who has consumed the most by the end of the show, must stand up and loudly declare him/herself as the river monster – “I am the River Monster! Fear my wrath”. They must then do a flappy fish dance whilst making the noise of the river monster. Obviously, fish do not really make noises but it’s open to the awful drunk’s interpretation at this point, for the amusement of the losers or winners depending on how you reflect on prior events or indeed life in general. Then, JW himself comes in, picks you up in his strong arms and has a picture taken with you. Alternatively you can just be lying on the floor passed out and he will pose around you before releasing you into the wild once again.